I want to have a romantic relationship but I am afraid that I am going to get my heart broken again. I still get sad when I remember all the broken promises from my first love and so I let people get only so close and then I run. Is there hope for me?
Signed, All Alone Again
Dear All Alone Again (temporarily),
Many of my Life Balance Coaching clients come to me with a broken heart that has gotten infected in the crevices. In fact, many people hold themselves back from not only relationships but themselves from fully feeling alive because of the fear of falling apart again. Broken hearts definitely block us from being happy 88% of the time and the infection oozes in bitterness, resentment, hurt, hate, blame, and shame.
What if there is a different way to look at relationships where we don’t have to hate our partner when the relationship doesn’t last till death do us part? I have a Balanced Trimester theory about relationships. In the first three months, it is a beautiful baby…there’s excitement, there’s mystery, there’s a glow, there’s anticipation, expectation, exhilaration, wonder, bliss, warmth, coziness and life is amazing. You make promises to each other based on the glow.
The second trimester things start to pop out and get uncomfortable. The reality of impeding serious change surfaces. Emotions are not all above sea level, irrational mood swings, cravings, upset stomach heart and mind and the reality of who the two people really are in the partnership surfaces. The glow gives way to occasional gas and hot rashes as the imperfect side of each partner erupts. “Forever” words and actions made in the first trimester go underground in the second trimester. The “what happened to opening doors/flowers/sweet somethings/generosity/romance?
In the third trimester, the “Should I stay or should I go” song is played and the couple gets to see if there is enough glue, or the 88% good enough to continue. Between the second and third semesters, it is normal to have relationships end.
The pregnancy of relationships is an important dance to go through. You get a balanced look at each other to see if there’s enough crazy glue to keep you together for a longer haul, enough chemistry and common goals to ensure that most of the time you’re both 88% happy. If you find out in the second trimester that “reality” has more of a downside than the upside of the “honeymoon”, then isn’t it better to find out before spending 25 thousand dollars on a wedding? What If we can all buy into the Pregnancy dance of testing out partners, then there would be no need to blame ex-partners of not being good enough, or pointing out how they fell short, or how they showed their true colors and were putting up a good front, or lying about who they were. Of course, people want to show their best side in the beginning. And we mean the loving words we say and feel at the beginning when there is strong attraction. What if there is not an intention to mislead or deceive, it is just the way we want to put our best foot forward. What-if we’re not trying to trip up people…at least mabye not until the second trimester! What if we could go easy on each other in the romance arena…What-if we could see relationships in life as a beautiful dance with infinite possibilities of partners and no heartbreak in sight because it’s just not a match when the song is over. What-if it’s just the end of a chapter in our Book of Romance, and in every chapter we just get a better idea of what we like and what we don’t like and know that “it’s always this, or better.” What if we hold our own hearts which can never really be broken because we love ourselves completely…so we don’t need to find someone to complete us. What if we don’t want someone to take our breath away because then we might suffocate! What-if we can let go of the bitterness and fear…because FEAR just stands for Future Events Already Ruined…and there really are Plenty of Fish in the Sea of Romance!!